Saturday, December 31, 2011

Here I Am. (F)at it again.

You would be forgiven for thinking that this is yet another one of those New Years' Resolution inspired blogs. It's not really. But the timing certainly argues that it could be. That's coincidence. It just so happens that I reached the proverbial last straw this close to the New Year. And so, along with every other overweight schmoe around, I find myself, at the most cliched time of the year, vowing to be serious about weight loss and exercise. Hopefully I'm in the right place to tackle this long journey.

So, the backstory of who I am and how I came to this pass? I've been here before. Hence the blog title. I have fought a yo-yoing weight battle for a very long time now. Sometimes I have been more successful than others. When I was swimming competitively, I was fit enough for everyone to overlook a bit of extra padding. Then I stopped swimming, got married, and had two babies. I did Weight Watchers after my daughter was born and lost a fair bit of weight. Pictures from then show that I looked about like I did in college. Then we moved (we move a lot) and I turned to my own best personal pychiatrists, the fridge and the pantry, to help me deal with the stress and loneliness. We moved twice more and I had another baby and I just let the weight creep on.

It had been years since I stood on a scale other than pregnant at the OB's office when I decided enough was enough. I joined Weight Watchers again and lost 60+ pounds on it. I started running and even decided to run a marathon. In the midst of all of this success, we moved again and I became the only person in the history of the world to gain weight training for a marathon. :-P I was lucky to only gain 25 of the 60 pounds back but since I never did make it down to my goal weight, I have still always had a fair bit of weight to lose. And I haven't really been in the right place mentally to tackle it again. But I'm hoping that now I am. I was not best pleased that all of my pants have gotten that much tighter recently and leave deep, angry, red dents on my waist/hips, that my expensive and cute tennis skirts barely cover my backside, that I have to squash my tummy out of the way in order to attend to certain personal grooming, that it is clear in pictures just how much weight I have gained.

And so I am throwing my intentions out there. I am going to work at this so I don't feel like I need to untag myself in every Facebook photo recently posted (although I can't promise that stuff from tonight's parties won't be ceremoniously untagged--it is only day one, after all), so that I am not dissatisfied with the person in the mirror when I get out of the shower, so I am healthier and firmer than my age would suggest, and so that I feel like I've taken control instead of being controlled.

Make no mistake, I love food and this won't be easy. I'm lucky in that I don't have as much to lose as many people. I'm lucky because fast food is already out of our diet. I'm lucky because I like to cook. I'm lucky because I have a bit of fitness already behind me. And I'm lucky because I know I can do this, having done it before.

This blog is intended to help keep me on track (I hate to fail in public) and I don't yet know all that it will be. It could contain recipes. It will certainly detail struggles. It will hopefully celebrate successes. I'm going to ask one of my kids to take a picture of me tomorrow so anyone following along can see who I am and how I am changing. I will certainly share my actual weight (189.2 pounds this morning) despite currently being ashamed of it (I am only 5'5"). I'm reasonably sure that there will be instances of too much sharing and some serious sarcasm because that is who I am and I have yet to completely get the hang of faking who I am on the internet. The one thing it won't have is a goal weight. At least not yet. I prefer to just wait and see. Right now I'm thinking about 50 pounds or so would be nice to lose but when it ultimately comes down to it, I just really don't know right now. So, if you're out there and reading, welcome. I hope you stay awhile. Heaven knows I can use some cheerleaders (and a little old fashioned guilt wouldn't hurt either)!

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